last update from america

12 hours from now I will be boarding a plane headed towards my future. HAHA. But kind of true despite the cheesiness. In little ways I have subconsciously been preparing myself for my trip this last week: for a lack of material goods (my beloved baby black macbook's hard drive crashing and me losing all of my documents), for a need for patience in the face of inefficiency (spending an hour and a half at an office for a five minute appointment), and for a decrease in personal vanity (me unintentionally wearing the same jeans, ucla sweatshirt, and no makeup so many days in a row that I stopped counting). But there's only so much you can do to "prepare" yourself to move to Africa when you've never even been there.

I have come to the conclusion that this is very much a 50/50 departure. Half of me cannot wait to get out there. I'm beyond excited. It's something I've been expecting and waiting for for seven months, something I've been heading towards and anticipating for a long time. The direction that I have chosen to take post-graduation. The youthful idealism hoping to, in some tangible way, make a difference. Eagerly awaiting leaving behind consumerist, busy-busy, stressed-out America to experience a completely different life. A different life and culture that will undoubtedly come with challenges and frustrations, but ultimately result in an incredibly rewarding and growing experience that will change my life.

But let's be honest.

The other half of me is terrified.

Scared of the unknown, of leaving the country I've grown up in amidst privileges and convenience. Putting a great physical and emotional distance between myself and the loved ones I leave behind. Scared of safety issues which, unfortunately, are many. Scared to lose my language, or to be disliked. Losing sleep at night thinking about the what-ifs and the fears.

But I need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this is normal. With any big change comes great excitement and great anxiousness. When I find myself getting nervous, I remind myself why I am doing this, and remember that I have the support of many and a trust that God has a plan for me and stays with me no matter where I am. When faced with the unknown, it's easy to choose to be discouraged or nervous--even I in the last few weeks have questioned why I am doing this and wondering if it's the right idea--but I remind myself that this is is going to be amazing.

I have had my share of adventures in my young life. I've stood atop a 14,300 foot Rocky Mountain peak and stared down at the world around me. I've climbed the stairs of the Eiffel Tower and hiked in the Swiss Alps. I've traipsed through the majority of the United States and through thirteen different countries, seen UCLA from roofs and from underground tunnels an from the view of a tour guide, and danced for 26 hours--several times. I've driven the coast of California on the Pacific Coast Highway, wandered around New York City dozens of times with no purpose other than to observe and experience, watched flamenco in Spain and the hills of Italy from a train. But yet I know that I cannot even FATHOM the experiences that I am going to have in Africa. And for the opportunity to experience such things I am incredibly grateful.

I will miss America very much. But much more than that, I will miss the loved ones that have made my first 22 years so amazing. You know who you are and I miss you all already, really. I wished I was more honest, that I told some people how I truly cared about them and made an effort to leave nothing unsaid so that the people in my life would have no doubt as to how important they are to me. But looking backward does nothing--so I choose to look forward towards the unknown and to greet this experience with an open mind and open eyes. My next update will be from Africa. Crazy.